Dear Zooey

Dear Zooey Deschanel,
I hope your primetime sitcom, The New Girl, is a big fat flop.  Why?  Because I think you’ve sold out?  No, I don’t care about that and you never really had any cred in my eyes anyway.  This time, it’s personal.  It used to be that it was only my clients who watched indie movies that would go on and on in their sessions about how much I looked like you.  Now that you went and got your ass on network television, it’s EVERYone.  If I have to sit through another 50 minutes in which we should be talking about their childhood trauma and instead I’m having to smile and nod and act flattered while they compare me to you, I’m going to scream.  Plus, you’re fucking with their projections of me.  I had a client a few years back that watched all of your movies, pretending that I was the characters you played.  It got weird.

Guilty of more than Frozen Yogurt. Guilty of Pixifying my life.

My clients are not always rooted in reality, they don’t need these kinds of distractions!  Yesterday, a client told me about how she told her daughter her therapist was on TV, and they watched the show together, laughing at how funny mommy’s therapist was.
And you’re not even that funny.  I’ve always written you off as an actress that plays Manic Pixie Dream Girls and is for some reason married to the most annoying singer in the music industry.  I liked you in Elf, but you were blonde in it, so that didn’t mess with my life at all.
Perhaps I’m speaking on behalf of  pale-skinned dark-haired blue-eyed girls who like to wear printed dresses everywhere.  All we want is to be able to get straight-across bangs and not have it make us into a caricature.  I have been wanting to revert to my 5-year-old bangs for years, and just recently I thought, “I can do it!  Zooey D. is off the radar, it’ll be all good!”  Then you show up on primetime, making badger faces.  Why you gotta be stealing my style?  Here’s proof that I was rocking the bangs-that-start-in-the-back-of-your-head, YEARS before you:

Circa 1986.

So, consider this a cease-and-desist.  Your show better be cancelled by October 8th, when I get my hair cut.  I’ll give you a pass until then, simply because you’re named after a character in my favorite novella.  After then though, you better stop jocking my look.  Or things might just get real.


Rhea Bette

12 thoughts on “Dear Zooey

  1. Thanks for clarifying the Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG). I hate those movies…especially Elizabethtown and frickin’ 500 Days of Summer. Yuck. Dude, I think I hate her husband as much as you hate her so we can go tag team on their asses.

  2. yea…… i got this at work last night too. ” OH! i know who you look like ! zoey deschanel !” it used to be amelie.

  3. Seriously. All those sentimental schmucks! “Boo hoo, my life is hard, my dad doesn’t like me. So I’ll listen to The Shins and scream in the rain with Natalie Portman aka Amidala….SCRUBS!!”

    • Natalie Portman is possibly recanting her MPDG ways. She has done SO many roles like that in the past, but she was so awesome in Black Swan. Hopefully she’s growing up!

  4. Girl, I never woulda thunk you two look alike (you’re much cuter anyway). Can’t wait to see you rock those bangs in Oct!!!

  5. Your post made me remember this video: I find it hard to hate on only the ladies for playing those roles, since it’s generally sad men writing those movies and tv shows. They creat characters who long to be saved from having to be human and flawed, by some enchanted female being. It seems like it has been around forever- beauty and the beast, the myth of psyche. I often feel like MPDG might be one of the archetypes of the Mission. What’s the name for the brooding male counterpart?

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