Longing for stability, finding only change.

In September, Joel got really sick, and Olive had a nasty cold as well.  In October, Olive & I fell down the stairs, and she broke her leg.  So far in November, I have been felled by an evil virus, and Olive again has been enduring a bit of a cold.  Is it too much to ask for a healthy December?  As a final update, Olive’s cast officially came off last Thursday, although I was too sick to see it happen in the flesh.  Olive is figuring out how to walk again, and we are all very grateful that she is healing well.  Now, if I can only kick this Cold From Hell, and we can all stay healthy for at least a few weeks in a row, we will have a much-needed period of familial health.

We have also been going through some very real financial struggles, and as I long with all my heart for a time of relative normalcy, where no calamities befall us and I am able to catch my breath, I feel change crackling all around me, like the first frost of the year in New England.  It never gets much colder than 30 degrees here, but I am feeling the ingrained desire to hunker down, drape myself in wool until I consist of a cave of sweaters, consume only hot liquidy things, and read, read, read.  And pray, which I can do while reading.  I need prayer, for the season ahead.

A few Christmases ago I got a deck of Tarot cards and a couple of how-to books and set off learning how to read symbols.  I really wanted a new language for the unseen realities in life, and to flex the muscle of intuition, to practice it like one perfects his or her tennis serve.  I became uncannily good at it, giving people creepily accurate readings every time I dared, wondering if this time it would fail me and I would look like some hippie weirdo.  I am tempted to do a reading for this time in my life, when everything seems to be falling to pieces, and perhaps I will tonight, once Olive is safely ensconced in her crib, unable to swipe away the pattern of cards carefully placed on the table.  But I already know what I would receive — The Wheel of Fortune, whose tagline is “the only constant in life is change”.  Awesome.

The Pesky Card in Question.

I am trying to stay open to this upcoming time of change for me.  Hope, and faith flicker in me, their flames pure but fleeting.  Regret, fear, and resentment are trying to take hold, using any spark to flare up and burn, seeking to consume me.  I am trying to foster the former, keep the latter under wraps, and be, most of all, present in the moment.  As I prepare for the new year, I have so much that I hope will fall off the wheel as it turns, and many things I am hoping to find around the next turn.  I will try to make this time in my life a period of reflection to prepare for that.  I need rest and perspective to get there.  Thank you, dear friends, for your love and support through my daughter’s injury.  I know I will need my community in the coming phases of my life, and I’m so glad you all are a part of that.  Any of your best tips on dealing with continual change will be gladly accepted!

One thought on “Longing for stability, finding only change.

  1. Oh, Rhea my friend, I wish I could offer some awesome words or advice, but I’m kind of in the same situation: desperately looking for peace in the midst of change and struggling to find it. But hopefully you can take some small comfort in knowing that I feel your pain and empathize with your struggle. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find peace and comfort. Keep the hope burning bright!

    Also, I SO wish you could read my tarot cards!

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